By Arielle Wozniak, as told to Stephanie Watson
From as early as I can remember, my dream was to be a doctor. I can recall drawing pictures in kindergarten of me dressed in a doctor's robe at the bedside of a patient.
In my freshman year of college, anatomy and physiology crushed that dream, so I decided to shift my dream to being a super successful corporate CEO living in a high-rise in New York City. Both my old vision and new vision revolved around one thing: success. I had no plans of ever getting married or having children.
Fast forward to my senior year of college, when I met my now husband. Within months we were engaged, and less than a year later we were married and expecting our first child. Add a cross-country move from Connecticut to Georgia and my life was going nothing like I’d planned. That started the spiral of major depression for me.
On the recommendation of my mom (who’s also a therapist), I tried therapy. But it was basically me sitting on a couch while a therapist asked me questions for 45 minutes. It was like pulling teeth to get more than a "yes" or "no" out of me. It wasn't working and I wasn't sure why.
After giving birth, I tried medication. At one point I was taking 200 milligrams of an antidepressant, which is four times the usual dose. My doctor also prescribed drugs to treat ADHD and help me sleep. I was taking medications around the clock. They turned me into a shell of the person I was.
Despite trying multiple antidepressants and ADHD medications, there was no improvement. The fact that I was a high achiever who couldn't get anything accomplished made me feel like a failure, which made the depression worse. It was a vicious cycle.
I secretly made plans to get a divorce, run away, and start my life over again.
Finally, a Release
About a year into taking medication, I had a conversation that changed everything. During my monthly check-in with my psychiatrist, she said, "Usually by this point, you should have seen some progress." Sadly, I hadn't made any progress. I felt like a lost cause. If she couldn't help me, who could?
Before I could spiral too far down the path, she asked, "Can I pray for you?" At this point in my life, although I believed in God, I considered myself to be more "spiritual than religious." I was not a practicing Christian, but I was desperate enough to try anything.
When she prayed for me, for the first time I felt a release. Tears streamed down my face. It wasn't like I was instantly healed, but for the first time after more than a year of spiraling out of control, I believed that I could be healed.
Understandably, many people find it hard to believe that prayer was the turning point for me. But it truly was the end of a battle that had lasted way too long.
Building Community
My psychiatrist invited me to her church – a megachurch with over 15,000 weekend attendees. At first, I was skeptical, but coincidentally, someone completely unrelated had invited my mom as well. I took that as my sign to go.
I sat as far back as possible. I rationalized that if I wanted to leave, I wanted to be able to leave without anyone noticing. But I stayed for the entire service. And I kept going back, week after week. The best way I can describe it is that being there broke something off of me. I started to open up to my therapist and actually work through the issues I was facing.
I didn't realize at first that you have to be in a place where you're willing to participate in therapy. I was waiting for someone to wave a magic wand and fix me, but that's not how it works. I had to do the work.
Through that experience, I started to build community. I began to tell people I had previously hidden my depression from what I was going through. Even my best friend didn't know. Sharing my pain was a big deal for me. A ton of healing came out of that process.
About a year later, I got pregnant with my second child and decided to quit all my medications cold turkey. If you're thinking about getting off of meds, I don't recommend doing what I did, because I went through some pretty serious withdrawal when I stopped. But once everything was completely out of my system, I felt like a fog had lifted. I was truly happy and satisfied for the first time in a long while. I started to dream about my future again.
All the Support I Could Get
A couple of years after that, we had baby number three, and I experienced the worst anxiety I'd ever had in my life. I was having multiple panic attacks every day.
But this time, I had the skills to cope. I immediately got back into weekly therapy. Against the advice of my therapist, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. I was there for one night and that was enough to realize it wasn't the place where I'd find healing.
While I was in the hospital, a woman came up to me in the hallway, crying. She told me her story and asked what I thought she should do. I looked around to make sure she was talking to me. I thought, "I'm a patient here, too." But for whatever reason, she decided she could trust me to help her. So, I leaned into the moment and allowed God to work through me as I gave her advice that stopped her tears and brought her comfort. I didn't realize it then, but it was the start of something new.
You're Not Alone
After experiencing two bouts of depression and anxiety, I felt like I was in a place to help other people. I started to share my story on social media daily. So many people reached out to me and said, "I'm going through the same thing you went through." They asked for my advice. That was a really eye-opening experience.
In 2019, I decided to get certified as a health and wellness coach and start my own podcast. Today, that podcast has reached over 20 countries. I hear from women all over the world who tell me the impact that my story has had on them. I now get to help them set goals and find their path forward.
I've had countless success stories. One woman called me while sitting in her car, crying. It was the first time in her life that she was unhappy. We worked together for about 12 weeks. By the end of it, she was back to her normal self, smiling, laughing, and planning for the future with her husband. To me, that is making an impact – not just on her, but also on the family and friends who are part of her life.
Every single day I get to tell people, "You're not alone. There are so many people who have gone through this before and have healed. There is a light at the end of your story." To go from the point of not wanting to live anymore to truly being happy and sharing my story to help others be happy is mind-blowing.
Show Sources
Photo Credit: E+/Getty Images
SOURCES:
Arielle Wozniak, mental health coach, Marietta, GA.
Mayo Clinic: "Sertraline (Oral Route)."
