Knowing exactly what to do to help a loved one with depression is tricky. Everyone is different, and what works well for one person might not work as well for another. But there are many steps you can take to support them, from learning more about depression to encouraging them to stick to their treatment plan.
How to Know if Someone Is Depressed
Recognizing when someone is depressed can be challenging. That’s because people deal with depression differently and can have different symptoms.
“There is no one way to recognize depression, to be quite honest, and there are multiple factors that lead to it,” says Seyed Jamaluddin Miri, a licensed counselor in Malmö, Sweden.
Key signs include a loss of vitality, such as not having as much energy, drive, ambition, or work ethic as usual. Wanting to be disconnected from everything is another sign.
But sadness is not the same thing as depression. While feelings of sadness come and go, like when you’re having a bad day, depression is more long-lasting.
“If you’re stuck in it, that’s when it might be depression,” Miri says.
Other signs of depression include:
- Feeling empty, sad, or hopeless during most of the day, almost every day (In teenagers or children, a depressed mood might look more like a cranky mood.)
- Gaining or losing lots of weight
- Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- Feeling agitated, cranky, or frustrated often
- Feeling guilty or worthless almost every day
- Trouble concentrating and making decisions
- Thinking about death often or thinking about suicide
Depression isn’t a normal part of the aging process. Older people with depression may also have these symptoms:
- Talking or moving more slowly than usual
- Trouble keeping up with social responsibilities, like at work or with family
- Pain, like headaches, body aches, or cramps
- Using more drugs or alcohol than usual
Depression in teenagers and kids can show up differently. They may seem sad, cranky, angry, or sensitive. They might have a hard time in school or say they don’t want to go to school at all. Teens may use drugs and alcohol or self-harm.
If you recognize signs of depression in a loved one, urge them to visit a mental health professional.
Helping Someone With Depression
Helping a loved one deal with depression can be key to their recovery. It isn’t always going to be easy. But there are some things that can help.
Understanding depression
Learn as much as you can about depression. Read up on the causes and treatments and what you can do to help.
Being knowledgeable about your loved one’s condition can help you be more empathetic when supporting them. It can make it easier to know how to communicate with them, what to say, and what not to. It can help you be more patient, compassionate, and present.
“When you learn what depression is, you start to realize that your loved ones are not lazy or distant; what they’re struggling with is real,” Miri says. “This helps you be more patient, compassionate, and present. It helps you realize that it’s not your job to fix them; rather, it’s just to be with them and walk beside them.”
Be supportive
Encourage your loved one to stick with their treatment plan and to eat well, get enough sleep, and stay away from alcohol and drugs. But be careful not to pressure them.
Offer help
Offer to help with practical things. If you have depression, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. Everyday stuff – dressing the kids for school, grocery shopping, or laundry – can feel like too much. Sometimes, a little help can make a big difference.
What that help looks like may depend on the situation. For example, sometimes, helping people doesn’t require you to do or fix anything. It just requires you to show up and be present, letting your loved one know that you’re there for them no matter what.
“If you push too hard or expect too much too soon, it can leave them feeling overwhelmed and ashamed,” says Alison Gee, a psychotherapist in London. “Small steps – making a cup of tea, taking a short walk, getting dressed – are not insignificant. They help rebuild a sense of agency and hope. Encouraging those moments gently and without pressure helps someone reconnect with themselves at a pace that feels manageable.”
Helping also doesn’t mean you should do everything for your loved one.
“What you need to do is boost their confidence or self-esteem so they can achieve their own daily goals by themselves,” Miri says.
Offering to do things together is a good way to help loved ones while building their sense of agency. For example, instead of cooking for them, you could say, “Would you like to cook with me?”
Be reassuring
Depression distorts a person’s perception of the world, which may make them feel hopeless. They need reassurance, and the best way to provide it is to be there for them.
“Patience is reassurance,” Miri says. “Patience is the core for everything because even if they might not be ready to talk or seek help, just being there patiently without any pressure gives them reassurance that they are loved.”
Listen without judgment
Truly listening to your loved one can help them open up and feel better. But it isn’t always easy.
“Understanding can only happen when we listen openly and without judgment,” says Andrew Kidd, a senior psychological therapist based in Glasgow, Scotland.
Listening is more than just hearing words, he says. “It’s about understanding the meaning and emotion behind them. When we listen with genuine curiosity, we create space for the other person’s pain.”
Checking in with your loved one helps, too. For example, you can ask them questions like, “Am I understanding you correctly?” or “What do you need right now?” Be patient and let the other person set the pace, rather than trying to rush or push them, which can cause them to shut down.
Try to stay flexible
Keep a flexible mindset when helping your loved one with depression. That’s because people with depression often withdraw or stop doing activities that they once enjoyed. They may also say no to invitations to spend time together.
But even if they say no, keep asking and including them. But think about what kind of event you’re inviting them to. A family gathering might be overwhelming. But spending time in nature, one-on-one, could be easier.
“Exposure needs to be step-by-step,” Miri says. “It may even be that they don’t want to go out at all to begin with, but you can still plant a seed. Maybe one day they’ll say ‘yes’ because they know you’re there.”
But also give them the freedom to say no without feeling ashamed.
“Think about it like this: Make it easy for them to say ‘no’ in faith that they may say ‘yes’ with time and consistency,” Miri says.
Encourage getting help
Seeking help from a mental health professional can feel overwhelming for those with depression. So be gentle when encouraging your loved one to do so.
For example, start by letting your loved one know that support is available. You might ask how they feel about talking to a therapist, finding helpful resources, or scheduling an appointment. Approach this conversation without judgment or pressure. The goal is to let them know you support their choices, not to take control.
What Not to Do When Helping Someone With Depression
While there are many things you can do to help your loved one deal with depression, there are some things to avoid as well. One of those things is being too critical or harsh. For example, don’t make comments about their physical appearance, like weight gain or loss.
Steer clear of statements that invalidate what they’re going through.
“Never tell them, ‘Snap out of it,’ ‘Pull yourself together,’ ‘People are worse off than you,’ or any of other ‘well-meaning’ statements,” says Jackie Rogers, a counselor in Staffordshire, England. “These are shaming and certainly not helpful.”
Forcing loved ones to do anything they don’t feel ready to do should also be off the table. Respecting their boundaries is a good place to start.
Boundaries help people feel safe and in control. Knowing and respecting both your and your loved one’s boundaries helps everyone feel seen and heard. Boundaries often communicate a need, like space or safety. Trying to force your loved one to open up can make it harder for them to stay connected to themselves.
“Healing takes trust, patience, and the space to come forth when it feels safe,” Kidd says. “So understand that the boundary is not always them pushing others away, but a part of their healing process. More practically, this means listening openly, asking permission, and accepting their limits.”
For example, saying, “Is it OK if I check in with you later?” is far more respectful than insisting or demanding.
When you talk with your loved one, it’s more reassuring to use “I” statements, like “I care for you,” than to use “you” statements, like “You seem depressed” or “You need my help.”
Even though some people see using drugs like weed and alcohol as a stress reliever, don’t suggest this to your loved one. Smoking and drinking can make depression worse. Instead, lean into activities like going for a walk in nature or spending some one-on-one time.
Knowing When to Step In
Sometimes your loved one might need more help than you can provide.
Signs that someone needs help from a mental health professional or emergency services include:
- They talk about suicide, suicidal thoughts, or self-harm.
- They’re unable to care for themself.
- They’re a risk to others.
- Their depression symptoms get worse.
“If your loved one is open to communicating about these suicidal thoughts, that is a good thing,” says Jessica Hamilton, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the University of Kansas Medical Center. “It indicates they are wanting help.”
She recommends calling 988 for the free, 24/7 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for those voicing suicidal thoughts, and 911 for those voicing suicidal thoughts with a plan and intent.
“If you are ever concerned and unable to get in contact with your loved one, you can also call 911 and request a wellness check,” Hamilton says.
Caring for Yourself When Supporting Someone With Depression
Taking care of someone with depression can be a lot to take on. Set aside time for yourself to do things you enjoy. Get out of the house every now and then. Take walks or go to the gym. Hang out with friends.
To be there for others, you have to be there for yourself first.
“If you believe you are experiencing compassion fatigue, seeing a mental health provider yourself can be a meaningful resource too,” Hamilton says.
Call, text, or chat with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for free live support if you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide or having any other kind of mental or emotional distress.
Takeaways
There are many ways to support your loved one when they have depression. Remember to approach conversations from a place of care and compassion. Patience is key. Don’t forget to look after yourself, too.
FAQs About How to Help Someone With Depression
Here are some commonly asked questions about helping someone with depression.
How can I help someone with severe depression?
Take it seriously. Listen, speak with love, and take action as needed, which may include visiting a psychologist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional.
How can I help someone with depression get out of bed?
Break it down into smaller tasks. For them, getting out of bed may be like climbing a mountain. Instead of telling them to get up, try sitting with them and take it step by step.
How can I help someone with depression who doesn’t want help?
Don’t push them. Maybe you can plant a seed by letting them know they’re not alone, and then, a week later, suggesting that you’d like to help.
