What Does it Mean to Gaslight Someone?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It happens when one person convinces their target that they're remembering things wrong or misinterpreting events. The gaslighter tries to manipulate the other person and presents their own thoughts and feelings as the truth.
This kind of abuse is often subtle in the beginning. For example, the gaslighter will change small details in stories or memories. Eventually, the person being gaslit begins to discredit their own intuition because these incidents begin so subtly. Below, you’ll learn how to recognize the signs of gaslighting and understand their impact on your mental health.
Where did the term gaslighting come from?
Gaslighting originates from a play and film of the same name, which tells the story of a woman emotionally manipulated by her husband, causing her to question her own reality.
Why Do People Gaslight?
The purpose of gaslighting is to convince you that you can’t trust your thoughts or instincts to gain control and power. Other reasons why people gaslight include:
- To avoid taking responsibility for their actions
- Fear of confrontation, rejection, losing control, or exposure
- A desire to “win” or maintain status
- To manipulate or exploit others for personal gain
- Seeking approval
- Learned behavior from an environment where gaslighting is normalized
Where Does Gaslighting Happen?
Gaslighting can happen in both personal and professional relationships. Examples include:
Gaslighting in relationships
Gaslighting is a common form of abuse in unhealthy relationships. It can happen in romantic relationships at any age — teenage relationships, adult engagements, and marriage.
Gaslighting may not happen at the beginning of a relationship. The person doing it may first build trust, which is part of why gaslighting can go unrecognized for a long time.
Studies show that gaslighting happens when people use gender-based stereotypes and other inequalities against their victims to manipulate their reality. In relationships, gaslighting is common in domestic abuse.
Gaslighting is an abusive tactic meant to make you doubt your thoughts and feelings. It may start in small ways and then grow into a false sense of reality. It can happen in minor incidents, making it hard to notice a problem, especially in a relationship where you trust your partner.
A common example is when the gaslighter convinces their partner that their accomplishments and other relationships are unimportant. The goal is to make the abuser the most important person in their victim’s life.
Gaslighting in families
Gaslighting can also happen within families. In parent-child relationships, it can take many forms, such as denying a child’s feelings, rewriting past events, or undermining their self-esteem, often to keep control or protect the parent’s insecurities. While sometimes unintended, it can leave children feeling anxious, confused, and detached, with long-term effects like low self-worth, depression, or trouble trusting their own emotions.
Gaslighting at work
Certain stereotypes are present in the workplace. This may be due to your gender, role, level, age, or other factors. You may find that someone you work with misuses these differences to gaslight you. For example, in many work environments, there are gendered beliefs that masculine people are rational and feminine people are not. This unequal balance can make gaslighting more common in the workplace.
Medical gaslighting
Medical gaslighting happens when a medical professional downplays your concerns. Examples include ignoring or interrupting you and downplaying your symptoms or blaming them on your age, gender, weight, or other factors. Medical gaslighting can mean missed diagnoses, delayed treatment, and poor health results. You may distrust doctors and other health care professionals and avoid getting care. Studies show that medical gaslighting happens more often to women, people of color, and others who experience discrimination and exclusion.
Signs of Gaslighting
An abuser may use several different gaslighting techniques to maintain power over their target. They're all intended to make the person being gaslit second-guess their own reality. These are some of the most common signs of gaslighting.
Withholding
A person who is gaslighting may use the withholding technique. This means they may refuse to listen to what the person being gaslit says. The gaslighter might also accuse you of being the one trying to confuse things. They will pretend that they don’t understand your perspective.
Lying
This is when the gaslighter tells outright lies. They will do this even when you know for a fact that they’re lying. This is meant to make you question yourself and your version of events.
Countering
This technique questions your memory or version of events. The gaslighter will claim that things didn’t happen the way the target (correctly) claims and will even add details that never happened. For example: “You’re wrong. You never remember things correctly.”
Denial
The gaslighter may deny that they ever said or did something you know they did. They will pretend that the person being gaslit is making it up. Again, this gaslighting technique is intended to discredit your memory and make you question yourself.
Diverting
Another sign of gaslighting is diverting. This is when the gaslighter changes the subject to get the target’s attention away from a topic. They may even twist things and accuse the target of getting a certain idea from someone else, like a friend or family member.
Trivializing
Using this technique, the gaslighter aims to make the target’s thoughts and feelings seem unimportant. The gaslighter will accuse the target of overreacting to situations or being too sensitive. This can cause the target to believe their feelings are invalid or too drastic.
Constantly apologizing
This isn’t a technique that the gaslighter will employ. Instead, you may constantly apologize to the gaslighter for your thoughts or reactions when being gaslit. You may also apologize to others unnecessarily or apologize for the gaslighter’s behavior to others since apologizing becomes a habit.
Examples of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can happen in many ways. It can make you feel confused or crazy to feel a certain way, even if you were sure about something before. Here are a few examples:
If someone downplays your medical concerns. You may notice certain pain and want to get it checked out by a doctor. Even though you know your pain is real and has actual side effects, your doctor might still blame your symptoms on other, less serious conditions. They may tell you that you’re too anxious or worried.
A specific example would be a doctor telling you that pain from endometriosis is normal period pain. Or they may insist you have anxiety when you could have symptoms of heart disease.
If your friend or partner makes you question reality. People who gaslight may flip stories or lie about details to make you believe something in the past happened differently. Even though you think you remember what really happened, this person may be able to convince you that you said or did something else.
In extreme cases, someone may claim they saw you do something you didn’t. For example, a partner may claim they or someone else saw you cheat when you really didn’t.
The use of manipulation with outside factors. Some people may claim that outside forces (like the police or immigration authorities) are watching. This may happen in situations where a person fears certain legal consequences. A gaslighter may use this against them.
The Effects of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is bad for your mental health. It can make you doubt your sanity and make it difficult to tell truth from lies. It creates unhealthy, codependent relationships, and it may feel impossible to leave.
Losing trust. Recovering from gaslighting can be difficult. During this emotional abuse, all trust is lost. You may have a hard time identifying what is real and the truth.
Feeling like you're insane. When you’re being gaslit, your partner may use terms like “crazy” and “insane.” They're trying to make you question yourself. Being told that you’re “crazy” stigmatizes mental health. Your mental health is used against you as a weapon, and that can make you fear losing credibility with your friends and family.
Difficulty getting treatment. Getting help for gaslighting can be a challenge if you don’t recognize the abuse. If you’ve been gaslit, your partner’s behavior may not seem wrong or dangerous. You may even feel grateful because they still care about you. People who gaslight will make their victims feel guilty or question their sanity if they try to seek help.
How to Deal With Gaslighting
If you're experiencing gaslighting in your relationship, it isn’t your fault. It can be difficult to recognize, let alone keep gaslighting from happening. Knowing the signs and understanding that you’re not “insane” can help keep gaslighting from affecting your mental health.
Warning signs of gaslighting. There are some common behaviors and traits that can help you know when someone is trying to gaslight you.
- Tell white lies
- Deny something even if you have proof
- Make you doubt your own judgment
- Make you mistrust others or lose interest in people and things that take your attention away from them
- Wear you down and make you feel exhausted or hopeless
If you recognize these signs as being present in a relationship, it’s important to address them. The first thing to do is try to imagine the situation from the point of view of an outsider. This will help you see if the behavior is really gaslighting and let you assess it more clearly.
Next, remind yourself how healthy personal and professional relationships should operate. Healthy relationships should have honesty, trust, and communication. They should also be respectful and supportive. If you realize your relationship with the gaslighter lacks these qualities, it’s time for a change.
You then need to evaluate if the relationship is worth saving or if you need to leave. A therapist may be able to help you talk about these issues, sort out your feelings, and make an action plan. It’s hard, but you can leave an unhealthy relationship. Seeking help may let you heal faster. You can talk to your primary care provider or mental health professionals about getting treatment for being gaslit.
Once you’re out of an abusive relationship, you can focus on reaffirming positivity in your life. It may be helpful to journal and write down what’s true as you know it. Surrounding yourself with people who validate you and your reality will help ground you.
If you feel that your doctor is gaslighting you, it may be a good idea to switch to a new one. When it comes to your physical and mental health, you should always feel as though you can speak your mind and are being taken seriously. Don’t stay with a doctor who makes you feel uncomfortable when you bring up concerns.
Gaslighting often takes a huge toll on your mental health. It’s important that you learn to trust yourself again. Remember that this may take time and the support of family, friends, or a professional. With time and the right support, you can and will recover.
Takeaways
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone manipulates you into doubting your thoughts, feelings, or memories, often to gain control or avoid accountability. It can happen in personal relationships, families, workplaces, or even medical settings. Signs of gaslighting include lying, denying events, downplaying your feelings, and making you feel overly sensitive or confused. Over time, it can harm your mental health, erode your self-confidence, and create unhealthy, codependent relationships. If you recognize gaslighting, get help from trusted people in your life or a professional, and think about leaving the relationship if it’s unsafe.
