Neha Pathak, MD, FACP, DipABLM: Welcome to the WebMD Health Discovered Podcast. I'm Dr Neha Pathak, WebMD's Chief Physician Editor for Health and Lifestyle Medicine. In today's episode, we're stripping away the mystery and the shame that so often shroud the discussion around sexually transmitted infections—or STIs. You'll hear candid, evidence-based answers about why infections like herpes are far more common than most people realize, what a standard office STI screening does and doesn't cover, and why terms like "I'm clean" do real harm to public health.

We are stripping away the stigma and digging into the everyday questions so many of us whisper about but rarely say out loud, like: Do I actually need to be screened for STIs if I'm in a monogamous relationship? Could I really have no symptoms and still pass an infection on to a partner? And what's the safest way to disclose a diagnosis to a partner? How do I even bring this up on a first date—or with the person I've been seeing for months?

We'll dive into the emotional fallout, that jolt of panic when a result actually comes up positive, the rejection fatigue that can follow disclosure, and the very real question of how to rebuild trust—both in yourself and in your relationships.

We will share practical conversation scripts, digital-age safety tips, and a short list of truly trustworthy resources. So the next time you walk into a clinic or open a dating app, you can replace dread with confidence. If you've ever wondered whether it's possible to protect your body and your self-esteem at the same time, stay tuned. This episode is for you.

First, let me introduce my guest, Emily Depasse. Emily is a social worker with a master's degree in education, trained in sex therapy. She combines her expertise to transform how we talk about sexual health and sexually transmitted infections. She's a globally recognized sex educator and works to dispel myths surrounding herpes and other sexually transmitted infections.

Welcome to the WebMD Health Discovered Podcast, Emily.

Emily L. Depasse, MSW, MEd: Thank you so much. It is wonderful to be here. I really appreciate you taking the time to get into this.

Pathak: Well, I am very excited for our conversation today. But before we jump in, I'd love to ask about your own health discovery. What was your aha moment around the work that you do with sexually transmitted infections and stigma?

Depasse: Sure. It's a great question. So after I graduated college, I was on track to pursue this sex therapy program. I had an undergraduate degree in gender and sexuality studies—very well-versed in sex education. And then I got herpes, and my world very much fell apart. I didn't realize, even with the expertise that I held, how deeply stigma lived—even within me—even as someone who thought she was so informed and progressive about sexual health and sexuality more generally.

And so I had to confront my own stigmas, really, and understand what I didn’t learn, what I didn’t know. That has really informed my work, and I think that really makes my work accessible to more people. I believe that because I've experienced this thing, it gives me this level of lived experience that people value alongside my expertise.

And I really appreciate the space that I've grown in the past decade—which is wild to think that it's been a decade of doing this work. But it has. And you know, I'm constantly reminded that it's still needed, and that's exactly why we're having this conversation today.

Pathak: I'd love to take a step back and just talk briefly around language. So I think people have probably heard of STDs—sexually transmitted diseases—and STIs—sexually transmitted infections. Can you talk to us a little bit about definitions and the right words to use?

Depasse: Yes, it is a great question. When I first started doing this work, I, too, used "STD" because that was the language that I had—and, as it often does, language evolves. So in doing this work, even the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has actually switched to "STI."

The differentiation, as I understand it—and Dr Pathak, you can correct me if I'm wrong—is that infection refers more to, you know, the infection itself, but it can evolve into a disease or more progressive symptoms, which is "STD." But I also like to frame it in terms of using person-first language.

I think when we hear "STD," it brings up a bit of cringe in many people. It reminds us, perhaps, of not the greatest experiences in health education classrooms. And so, when people hear "STD," those images come back. Using "STI" is a more relaxed, accessible way for people to understand what it is—less threatening, less like monsters hiding in your closet—and it's also more medically accurate for many infections.

I like to use HPV as an example of this. You know, it can evolve into a disease, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is. That is my understanding—but I’d love to hear your experience with that as well.

Pathak: That is really aligned with the thinking from the medical standpoint, and also just sort of the psychosocial standpoint—which is that infections are something that we can treat, versus a disease, which seems to be more of a longer-standing condition that someone has to live with.

And if we think about infections, we can think about a variety of cold infections or flu infections. We don't necessarily think of someone having a disease because they had a respiratory infection. So I think it sort of aligns with the way we think about other types of infections that we get.

Depasse: I really appreciate that insight as well. And while we’re talking about language—I know we'll get into this a bit later—but I also think it’s important to discuss… you know, I often hear people refer to STDs as "dirty," and by the same point, that infers that someone is dirty.

So there's this double narrative here of clean versus dirty. I think actually using "STI" is helping people lessen that stigmatizing language—which I think is a really important shift.

Pathak: I really appreciate you kicking off our conversation with that point. As we move forward, when you are talking to your clients or you're talking to your audience to help them understand more about the STIs that they may be at risk for—that we all are at risk for—how do you help explain the differences between the different types of infections, from bacterial to viral? How do you talk to your audience about these differences?

Depasse: Sure. So I think what most people do understand is bacterial infections usually can be cured with a round of antibiotics—like chlamydia and gonorrhea. That bacteria is eliminated.

However, viral STIs—like herpes and HPV—work a bit differently. While there are medications to treat them, they still live within the body. And so there are some that you still need to disclose—like herpes, which we’ll chat about more.

Usually, people are very focused on: “Does it have a cure? Can I get rid of it?” That’s usually where people live, and I think it’s really important to meet them where they are.

Pathak: You mentioned something else that I think is really important in a discussion around STIs. People always wanna know: one, is this curable? Is this treatable? How do I manage this condition over the long term if that's potentially the type of infection that I have? And then I think there's also a lot of confusion because some STIs are very clearly ones that cause symptoms, and some are asymptomatic—or without symptoms—for long periods of time.
So can you talk to us a little bit about how you talk about that with your clients as well?

Depasse: So I find it very challenging to approach this conversation in a way that doesn't evoke fear, because that is where most people live when it comes to STIs. And as we discussed with language, I think it's important to be careful with that as well—to not invoke shame among people that have STIs and to not further perpetuate stigma.
I always make mistakes, as well as I'm sure many folks do, but it's something that's very important to me. So I will try to find a fact for people like, "Did you know this amount of people is living with herpes and they don't even realize it?" Or, "Did you know only 13% of people in 2020 knew that over half of us Americans will get an STI at some point in their life?"
And so you have to reel people in in a way that is interesting and makes them think, Oh, I didn't know that. Is that true? Is that real? Especially when we're in this culture where we want to be entertained. We're living in TikTok-in-minute-seconds, and so you only have a certain amount of time to get someone to care. I find that is an accessible way that doesn't have a lot of shame or stigma.
You know, it's not clickbait, for lack of a better term—because I find with STIs, even among news headlines, a lot of it is clickbait. There was even a World Health Organization article that came out late last year, and I saw the typical evolving nature of the headlines. It was about herpes, and it has a trickle-down effect in how we read. Most people are not gonna read the actual press release—they're going to read the news article or the pop culture article. And so I think being able to educate around that is just as important.

Pathak: Yeah, I think you bring up such a good point, because number one, let's start with something like herpes. Herpes infection is incredibly common. And there are different types of herpes infections. So, it's very common in the world for people to be infected with herpes simplex 1 virus, which is the one that causes cold sores.
And then the sexually transmitted infection—the STI most commonly—is with HSV-2, so herpes simplex virus 2. So you're gonna have, with that condition, a lot of people impacted with one type, fewer people impacted with another type. But it's just as important for us to recognize how common it is for people to have this exposure and potentially be living with this condition.
Something for me in the clinic that I think about, as you were talking, is really what I think is something we do that's destigmatizing: to talk about it with everyone. So there's no particular reason that I might bring up screening you for an STI versus the patient who comes after you, because that's just something we are going to do universally.

Depasse: And it's so interesting as you say that, because I feel like STI testing itself can be a very stigmatizing experience for many people. And if you don't feel safe with your provider, you might not ask them about it, or you might feel targeted by that question, even though it's a routine question.
And so, you know, I think it's important for folks to know what they're being tested for and feel empowered in that. But I also think it's important for people to realize—you might not be tested for everything that your provider would recommend if they had all the facts. You know, I feel like people are worried about sharing their sexual selves, and that's understandable.
You know, it's often seen as private, and depending on your religion or your cultural experience, that's something that's very personal. Sharing it with a stranger—even a trained clinician—can be an awkward experience. And many of us weren't given the skillset in how to talk about these things, whether with our partners or with our healthcare providers.
It's such an interesting experience for both the provider and the patient, because I think two things can exist at once. And so I think that really reinstates the importance of having someone that you trust, and who you can feel authentically yourself with—even when it comes to STIs.

Pathak: Yeah. No, I love that. And I think it's, again, a great point that when we are doing our screening in the clinic for certain STIs, it's not necessarily going to be checking for everything. So it really is important to share information about your sexual history. What are you concerned about?
Have you asked your partner? Do you know anything about their sexual history? Because that can help guide your clinician beyond doing sort of the basic gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV testing.
I'd love to then talk to you about these conversations. So let's start with: where do you usually start with regard to talking about your sexual history—your STI history—with partners?

Depasse: So I think it depends. I like to reframe it as a personality test, because we're all different and there's no one right approach. People, I find, are often worried about: What's the best time? Where is the best place? What is the best way?
I find sometimes people feel they owe it to do it in person. I think whether you're having a disclosure digitally—via an app, a text message, or even a voice note—or in person, something we all need to evaluate is safety. Do I feel safe? Do I feel safe with this person?
You know, is this someone I just met on an app, and I just kind of wanna get it out of the way and just share over text? That’s fine. But I always tell people: anything can be screenshotted and used against you—so just heads up.
Or in person, if someone is giving you kind of feelings like, Oh, I need to text my friend exactly where I’m going to be because I don’t know that I trust this person, that’s a sign from you. Maybe I should share my status or ask to see their results via app or via text message first.
And it feels awkward. Like anything you do for the first time—I find, myself included—after you're diagnosed with an STI, you're like, Oh my gosh, my life has changed. And really, it’s not over. It’s just this new chapter, and you find what you should have learned long ago—how to talk about your sexual health.
You're often the go-getter and the initiator in these conversations.
And so I like to frame it first from safety. Second, you know—are you someone who is trying to avoid rejection and you're sensitive to it, which is acceptable and understandable, and you're like, Oh, well, I'd rather just know, and so I’m going to put my status in my dating app bio or I’m gonna tell them, and if they don’t wanna chat with me, I’m not gonna further it.
Or are you someone who's more thoughtful, and you're like, Nope, I’m gonna write out this whole template response in my Notes app and copy and paste some resources—and off it goes.
Or are you someone who wants to see how they respond to sexual health in general? I find asking someone, Hey, I really like you. You’re really X, Y, Z. But before we meet up, I’d really like to know: when was your last— See how they respond.
Because if they give you a response like, Don’t worry, I’m clean, or LOL, I don’t need that, that will be an indicator for you. Okay, this person doesn’t seem like they’re on the same page with me or share the same values sexual health-wise. And you have to make a decision where you wanna go with that.

Pathak: What else would you suggest people can do to have this conversation and really understand their own personal risks?

Depasse: I think, actually, you know—a lot of people, when they hear “disclosure,” they think first about talking to a partner. And I think they exist on very different levels.
I think one of the best things you can do is practice with a friend. And often, a friend is one of the first people you tell. You know, you think of—I hate to say it—but many people, when they receive a positive result, it’s not a positive experience. It’s not what someone wants to hear.
And so you lean into your support systems—whether that is your provider: What do I do now? Whether that is an educator or therapist: Help me, my mental health isn’t great.
But what I think people really lean into is their community—the people they lean on every day, which is often their friends. And in those moments with your friends where you're texting them, you can really find out a lot about where you're feeling on the diagnosis—or just sexuality in general.

And sometimes just having that listening ear is all you need. And they can reflect and reaffirm your experience as you versus you as an STI. And I think those moments are really important for how we approach talking to our sexual partners. You know, a lot of people, when drugs and alcohol enter dating worlds, that can also alter your experience of disclosure and how you handle that going forward—whether you're someone that has an STI or doesn't have an STI, and whether you even have this person's phone number—and the ethics around that as well.
And so I think there are all of these little nuanced pieces that you bring up, just from that one question, that people don't often think about—and the trickle-down effect, or the domino effect, of that.

Pathak:
That brings us to the other part, which you were talking about—disclosures and talking to someone else about the fact that you have now tested positive for a particular STI, and that it's really important for their health that they are also checked and potentially treated. But I don't necessarily think I've thought so much about how traumatizing it can be, potentially, to share that with someone. Because I have always sort of thought of it as, oh, okay, now you have some more information. Clearly this other person will want to know and get checked. So I would love to kind of have you help me dig into that piece of it.

Depasse: So, there's rejection and there's rejection fatigue. And I often have, you know, some of my students—there are just people that I'm chatting with—and they're like, I've been rejected every single time. A lot of these people still don't have the best sex and health education background, and they don't want to hear it.
And I think that leans into the rejection fatigue, but that makes it more challenging to continue sharing your status with someone and to continue showing up for yourself. And, you know, as a sexually active person, some people want the information and don't care. You know, there are plenty of people that have dating and sex lives that are not impacted by their herpes diagnosis, or by their HIV diagnosis, or by whatever diagnosis it is.
In this culture, unfortunately, ghosting is a thing. So someone might be like, “Hey, just turned up positive for gonorrhea,” and they may never hear from that person again. I do know that there are apps—I haven't looked into this deeply—but there are apps that some people will use to notify their partners.
Like, “Hey, you have been in contact with someone with this STI.” And so that gives the anonymity piece. But I find that a lot of people are not equipped to talk about this with their partners because of the awkwardness, or because of the fear of shame and stigma, and what that means for their emotional and psychological well-being.

Pathak: I'd love to go through some very common myths and facts—which we have covered quite a few. But the first one, I just kind of really want to drive this point home: the myth that when I ask to be tested for everything, I'm being tested for all STIs.
Can you talk to us a little bit about that?

Depasse: False. A standard STI testing panel doesn't include every STI in existence. And it's often what is standard for you, given the information that you've shared with your provider. But this still surprises a lot of folks, and this will come up in disclosure conversations all the time. So if you think you're being tested for every STI—check again.

Pathak: Then let's move on to another myth: I can't get an STI from oral sex.

Depasse: My favorite example of demonstrating this falsehood is with cold sores, which many people don't actually realize are herpes—even though we've said it in this episode, and though I've said it a thousand times. I've seen a monogamous couple, friends of mine—it happens all the time in monogamous relationships as well with oral sex.
Someone has a cold sore and doesn't realize that that can transmit to the genitals. And so this is another falsehood.

Pathak: Another myth: STIs only affect people with multiple partners.

Depasse: Also false, which I just shared. Anyone who is sexually active can potentially get an STI, and that includes monogamous folks as well.

Pathak: You can tell if someone has an STI.

Depasse: Oh, this one, I believe, might be the most dangerous one—because it gives people a false sense of security. And we've talked about how asymptomatic transmission is so common, and that you really can't tell if someone has an STI unless you ask them for their STI status—and unless they've been tested.

Pathak: And then the final one: my dating life is over if I test positive for an STI.

Depasse: False. Like I shared before, it's a new chapter, and there are some hard lessons as well as some realizations. But there is also hope. And I think, you know, doing things—if you're diagnosed with an STI, whether it is curable, treatable, or manageable—there are support groups, there are resources, there are a lot more resources online and on social media as well.
And so that's the positive that the internet has brought us—that there is a way forward for you.

Pathak: So talk a little bit about how social media has changed the conversation around STIs.

Depasse: I think it is great because people have shared their stories. That's how I started doing this work—on a blog—and it grew. But there are also influencers who want to take advantage of marginalized communities. There are wellness influencers who share falsehoods and refer to spiritual “cures” for infections, and people will try to prey on you and say they can cure it—and that's just not the case.
And so I think it's always important to fact-check what you see on social media, and don't be afraid to ask someone's training or credentials as well.

Pathak: Yeah. I think that is a key piece of information, especially in today's world: where are those trusted resources for information—particularly health information? And what are some of the factors that you look at to see if something is a trusted source of information? So, can you help us dig into that piece?

Depasse: Yes. So, I like the American Association of Sexual Health—they are great. I also like the National Coalition of STD Directors—they're very current and updated. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as of current, is good as well.
If you're seeking mental health support from someone who can support you through a diagnosis, or you just want to educate yourself, looking for someone with sexuality training or a background in sexual health is a great start.
There's a website called the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, which can certainly help you on that journey.

Pathak: In our last few moments together, I'd love to close the episode by asking you what that emotional journey might look like—and then pieces of information to help them destigmatize it for themselves, and then potentially have these conversations with someone in their life who is going to be very supportive and help them through this journey.

Depasse: Sure. So, I think many people, including myself, experience a period of shock and denial. And you might do everything to convince yourself you are not the type of person to get an STI—whatever STI that is.
And then, if you receive a diagnosis, often comes the shame and self-blame that comes with that—and the “I'm not worthy,” “Who will love me?” These fears start sneaking in: “How could this happen to me?”
There's often anger, shock, depression, isolation. You could lean into different substances depending on where your mental health is. Really, you know, finding community is very helpful. Finding a friend to talk to, someone to talk to, those internet resources that I mentioned.
Often, people will go into a Google search hole—which I did. I remember being up until midnight searching everything I could about this infection that I now had and didn’t know what to do with.
My diagnosis, as well as the diagnosis of a friend or someone you know—that is often the learning point for many of us. Only 26 states currently require that when sex education is taught, it is medically accurate.
And that is as of this year, 2025. So a lot of people don't know. And I think that's an important starting point—and that includes ourselves. So reflecting on: where did you learn these messages about STIs? Where did you learn that it was “bad”? Who did you learn that from? What was the context? Was it religious? Cultural?
And this unlearning process that you will go on really is where the learning will grow—and where you will grow and find these support networks and lean into your community. And this is how change is made: in those small moments of communication. And you end up being this advocate that you didn't expect to be—not just for yourself, but for others. You never know. You might.

Pathak: I love everything you just said—and ditto for sharing a lot of this with your clinician as well, because you might be taking them on a learning journey with regard to how to do more than just the testing and the results. Be someone who really understands more of what that journey looks like.
Thank you so much for this conversation. I really appreciate your time.

Depasse: Likewise. Thank you for having me.

Pathak: Thank you so much for being with us today. My key takeaways from this discussion are: the words we use matter. Switching to using terms like “STI” instead of “STD” reflects medical accuracy and helps strip away labels like “dirty” versus “clean” that can drive shame and silence.
A full STI panel isn't always universal or automatic—so be sure to bring up the infections that you are concerned about as well.
A standard office screening usually covers gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, and can also look at HPV—but it doesn’t include screening for herpes or syphilis unless you specifically ask. It’s important to tell your clinician the specifics of your sexual history so the right tests are ordered and you can get the answers you need.
Many infections can be silent at first. You can’t tell if someone else has an STI—and sometimes you may not know that you have an STI just because you look healthy. Some people are only made aware of their sexually transmitted infections through routine screening or disclosure from a partner.
A discussion about disclosure is a discussion that should include safety, boundaries, and resources. Whether you choose a text, voice note, or in-person talk, gauge your comfort and personal safety first. Prepare what you want to say, and share reliable resources to link to.
And remember—a partner’s reaction says more about their sexual health literacy than your worth.
And finally, lean on trusted friends, reputable online communities, and trained, sex-positive clinicians. Relying on fact-checked resources helps you move from fear to proactive, confident care.
To find out more information about Emily Depasse and her work, make sure to check out our show notes. Please take a moment to follow, rate, and review this podcast on your favorite listening platform.
If you’d like to send me an email about topics you are interested in or questions for future guests, please send me a note at [email protected].
This is Dr Neha Pathak for the WebMD Health Discovered Podcast.