You may have heard that you can turn "green with envy." This phrase dates back to the ancient Greeks, who believed jealousy could trigger your liver to make more bile, the yellow-green liquid that helps break down your food. This, in turn, was thought to make your skin slightly green. Although that's not true, "turning green with envy" is still used today. Jealousy's also sometimes referred to as "a green-eyed monster." It was Shakespeare's character Iago that first muttered the phrase in Othello.
We tend to use the words "jealousy" and "envy" the same way, but there is a key difference between them. What is it, and how can you tell which one you or someone you know is feeling? Learn how to tell these complex emotions apart and steps you can take to manage them.
What Are Jealousy and Envy?
Envy and jealousy may feel the same, but here's the main difference.
Envy is wanting what someone else has. Jealousy is worrying that something or someone you love will be taken away from you.
Let's break that down.
Envy
Let's say you see a neighbor with the exact new car you've been wishing you could afford. Or maybe one of your coworkers gets the promotion and pay raise you hoped you would get. Scenarios like these can trigger envy: an intense feeling that you desire the same thing but aren't receiving it. You can experience envy even if you like or love the other person and feel happy for their good fortune. But you may still be unable to shake the intense feeling that they're getting something that you want, too, but haven't yet achieved.
Some researchers believe there are two types of envy:
- Benign envy can have a positive influence. It may help motivate you to get what you want.
- Malicious envy, on the other hand, could spur you to be hostile toward people who have what you don't.
Jealousy
Jealousy is more about holding onto something valuable that you already have. For instance, you might get jealous if you think your partner's showing interest in someone else and focusing less on you. But this emotion doesn't only have to do with romantic relationships. You could also feel jealous about a new person joining your friend group or a new hire at work who has the same skill set that you do.
Jealousy isn't a mental health condition. Some experts believe it's a trait that humans evolved to have over time to help us guard the the people who are important to us.
While envy and jealousy are easy to define, their causes are a lot more complicated. It could be due to any combination of the following:
Your personality. For instance, some people naturally feel all emotions more intensely.
How you feel about yourself. If you feel insecure, you're less likely to trust that your relationships are on steady ground. You're also more likely to compare yourself to others and feel that you fall short.
Past experiences. If you've had situations in the past where you've been hurt or betrayed, you may be more on guard going forward. You're trying to protect yourself from reliving the same trauma.
Your mental health. If you live with a condition that affects your mood, such as anxiety, you may find yourself more easily caught up in negative emotions like jealousy and envy.
Your relationship. Sometimes, jealousy isn't because of you. It's because of how you're being treated by the other person, be it your partner, friend, or coworker. If you're unsure, talking to mental health expert like a counselor or therapist may help give you some clarity.
Signs of Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy is typically thought of in terms of relationships, especially with partners. Envy is more about desiring what someone else has or has achieved.
Signs of jealousy
Trust is a crucial foundation for any relationship. When you're feeling jealous, a lack of trust can lead to negative thoughts. Some signs that you might be feeling jealous include:
- You don't trust your partner when you're not together.
- You get concerned when they mention other people.
- You constantly check their social media to see what they're doing.
- You think they're cheating on you.
- You attempt to control your partner's behavior.
If you're the target of jealousy, you may feel flattered at first. It could make you feel good to realize that someone wants you all to themselves. So is jealousy a sign of love? Its roots might actually lie in emotional dependency. That's when someone has an intense desire to be close to you and wants you to feel the same way. They may often want you to reassure them that you care about them and feel scared that you'll change your mind. They could also find it tough to do things on their own.
Over time, your friend or partner's intense needs may start to weigh on you and feel claustrophobic.
Signs of envy
Competition is a natural instinct in all living creatures. After all, it's important to get enough of the most valuable resources in order to survive. In humans, competition becomes more complex. Research shows that some of our drive to compete may have to do with social status and wanting to do more or better than the people around us. In fact, one study found that when people were asked to choose between two imagined salaries, most chose a smaller one — if it was higher than what other people made.
That may help explain why you can feel unhappy when others achieve success or have a desire to constantly one-up someone else's good news. Some common signs of envy include:
- You aren't happy for others when they achieve success.
- Another person's success makes you feel unhappy.
- You feel the need to cut down someone else's success.
- You're quick to judge others in a negative light.
- You're happy when others face setbacks.
The rise of social media can not only trigger envy but also lower your mental well-being. How can scrolling on your phone have such a powerful negative effect? When friends post pictures of their "best" moments in life, it can trigger you to feel "less than" or have regrets about yourself or your own experiences. Those can be powerful emotions that are hard to shake off.
Jealousy and envy can also have a lot of other painful feelings wrapped up in them, like:
- Anxiety
- Anger
- Betrayal
It can take some time to sort through what you're really feeling, why, and how to manage it.
Living With Jealous or Envious Thoughts
It's very common to have jealous or envious thoughts every once in a while. None of us get what we want all the time and that can feel hard. But if these emotions start to become overwhelming, they can trigger more intense reactions. You could begin to show symptoms of stress, for instance. Or wish ill will toward others. In some cases, jealousy and envy can lead to depression.
To better manage feelings of jealousy and envy, try to:
Take time to calm down
Your brain experiences the emotional pain of jealousy and envy just like it feels physical pain. You'll likely go into fight-or-flight mode, where your body gets amped up to face a threat. As adrenaline courses through you, your heart will pump faster, and your breathing will become more shallow. In this reactive state, you'll probably find it harder to think clearly. Before you act on impulse and say something you regret, take some time to calm down. Maybe you take some deep breaths, go on a walk by yourself, or find a friend who will listen as you vent — whatever you can do to get some space from the situation and turn down the emotional temperature.
Use these emotions to make a positive change
Remember that in healthy doses, jealousy and envy can serve a purpose. If you're able to recognize these feelings, you can see them as signs that you might need to change.
For example, if you can admit to yourself that you're envious of your friend's new car, you may feel inspired to make changes in your spending or savings habits to afford your own. If you realize that you're jealous of a coworker because they have a better relationship with the boss and that may affect your job, you might try to improve your relationship with your manager.
Practice gratitude
When you're feeling these strong emotions, it can help to pause for a moment and remember the positive things you already have in your life. You might even want to jot them down in a journal or write a note, letting someone know how much they mean to you. As simple as it sounds, gratitude is a powerful tool in combatting envy and jealousy. Studies show that it can help boost how happy you feel and how content you are with your life.
Know when you need more help
Remember, twinges of jealousy and envy are really normal. But if you don't figure out how to manage these big emotions, they can begin to negatively affect your life and the lives of people around you.
For instance, extreme jealousy is one of the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse. Some other signs of an abusive partner include:
- Trying to keep a loved one from spending time with others, including family members and friends.
- Making others feel like they can't do anything right.
- Insulting others or making jokes at their expense, especially in public.
- Keeping others from making their own decisions.
- Controlling someone else's money.
- Pressuring your partner about sex.
- Pressuring others about alcohol or drug use.
- Making threats or making others feel threatened by how you behave.
- Making threats, even if they're "jokes," about hurting others you love.
- Using weapons to scare people.
- Destroying things that are owned by others.
If you're worried about someone you love getting so jealous that they become angry or violent, get away from them and to a safe place. Then, reach out for help. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 800-799-SAFE (7233), texting "START" to 88788, or chatting at thehotline.org.
If you're starting to feel like jealousy or envy is affecting your mood and you're worried what you might do with those feelings, getting help is also important. Admitting that you want to change is a key first step. The next might be getting support from a professional. This may be something that you work on throughout your life.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline can suggest resources for you, too.
Takeaways
Envy means wanting what someone else has, while jealousy is worrying that someone will take away something you already have. In healthy doses, these big emotions could help steer you closer to your goals. But if you feel envy and jealousy too intensely, they can affect your well-being and harm your relationships. If so, speaking to a mental health expert like a counselor or therapist may be the best way to get support.
