An attachment style is the attitude or pattern of behavior you display when connecting with others. Your earliest interactions with your parents or other main caretakers shape your attachment style throughout life. Depending on how close and responsive these caregivers were, your attachment style could be secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganized, or another type.
What Is Avoidant Attachment Style?
Also sometimes referred to as a dismissive attachment style, avoidant attachment is an attachment style a child may develop due to either an emotionally absent or overly critical parent. While the parent may provide essentials such as food and shelter, they aren’t able to meet a child’s day-to-day emotional needs.
As a result of this attachment style, a child may downplay their own struggles and instead learn to self-soothe. If they feel anxiety or sadness, they deal with it alone and deny the importance of those feelings.
Avoidant attachment often stays with a person through adulthood, potentially impacting their romantic relationships, friendships, and other connections. People with this attachment style are often described as very independent and self-reliant, to the point where they avoid deep emotional connections with others. One survey of more than 5,000 American adults found that about 20% say they have an avoidant attachment style. Men are more likely to have this style than women.
What Causes Avoidant Attachment?
People who report that they had very strict parents or caregivers appear to be more likely to develop avoidant attachment than those with a more secure attachment style. When a child wants support, avoidant parents and caregivers may downplay or ignore their problems, encouraging them to develop an avoidant attachment style.
There is also some evidence that childhood trauma, usually in the form of physical, mental, or sexual abuse, can lead to avoidant attachment disorder.
Still other, less extreme parental behaviors may cause avoidant attachment disorder. These include:
- Not responding when a baby or child cries
- Actively discouraging crying
- Not outwardly showing emotional reactions to issues or achievements
- Making fun of a child’s problems
- Showing annoyance at a child experiencing a problem
- Not addressing medical issues or nutritional needs
- Avoiding touch or physical contact
- Expecting a child to follow rules without questioning them, and punishing them if they disobeyed
Genetics may play a role in avoidant attachment disorder, too. Research suggests that it may factor into almost 40% of cases in adults. One study found that a gene mutation in a specific gene called the catechol-o-methyltransferase (COMT) gene raised the risk of developing avoidant attachment disorder. This gene helps break down certain brain chemicals, such as dopamine and the stress hormone noradrenaline. But more research is needed.
Types of Avoidant Attachment Styles
There are several different types of avoidant attachment styles.
Anxious avoidant attachment
People with this type of attachment style tend to be very needy and anxious and don’t feel good about themselves. They want to be close to other people but worry they won't get the same feelings in return. When someone with this attachment style enters a relationship, it tends to take over their life. They get jealous easily and need a lot of reassurance from their partner.
Fearful avoidant attachment
With fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment style, people may want to be in a relationship, but fear it. As a result, they can have confusing behavior. They may one minute cling to a partner, and the next push them away. They may have a hard time trusting others and find it hard to control their emotions.
Insecure avoidant attachment
This is the exact opposite of anxious avoidant attachment. If you have this attachment style, you avoid emotional intimacy and are very independent and content being alone.
When people with insecure avoidant attachment are in relationships, they tend to be emotionally distant. They may keep secrets and even cheat. But while on the outside they may seem “commitment-phobic,” deep down they want close human contact and a relationship.
Avoidant Attachment Style Traits
People of any age with avoidant attachment styles may show symptoms of depression and anxiety. Children of avoidant parents or caretakers may not outwardly express the need for affection or care.
Depending on the avoidant attachment style subtype they have, they may be likely to:
- Experience separation anxiety from their parents or caretakers
- Fear strangers
- Never or rarely ask for help
- Constantly worry that something bad will happen
- Be wary of their unpredictable parents or caretakers
As children with avoidant attachment grow up, they may show signs in later relationships and behaviors, including:
- Low self-esteem
- Fear of rejection and abandonment from others
- Codependency
- Trouble regulating emotions
- Avoidance of physical or emotional closeness and touch
- Commitment issues
- Difficulty trusting others
Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships
People with avoidant attachment disorder find it very hard to be in relationships. Here’s what often happens when someone with this attachment style gets involved with someone.
Anxious avoidant attachment. If you have this attachment style and enter a relationship, it tends to take over your life. You may get easily jealous and require a lot of reassurance from your partner. People with anxious avoidant attachment are often described as “clingy.”
Fearful avoidant attachment. Since these people often grew up in an abusive environment, they often unconsciously try to copy the abuse in their relationships, too. They may experience extreme emotional highs and lows, adoring their partner one minute and hating them the next. They can explode in rage at loved ones and even become physically violent. While they really want to be in a loving relationship, they also feel unworthy of one.
Insecure avoidant attachment. With this type of avoidant attachment style, you may find it difficult to be in a relationship. You like to have the freedom to do what you want and when you want. The closer someone tries to get to you, the more you may withdraw. People with insecure avoidant attachment often end up in short, casual relationships or seek partners who seem similarly cautious about commitment.
Signs of Avoidant Attachment in Children
Symptoms of avoidant attachment in children can vary with the specific type of disorder they have:
Children with anxious avoidant attachment. Children with this type of avoidant attachment are very clingy. When they are with a parent or caregiver, they tend to stay very close to them and do not explore their surroundings. If a parent or caregiver leaves, they get very upset. They may not calm down even when the parent or caregiver returns.
Children with fearful avoidant attachment. With fearful avoidant attachment, children are more unpredictable, in large part because of the volatile environment they grow up in. When they see their parents or caregivers, they may freeze or turn their head away. As they get older, they may boss other kids around them.
Children with insecure avoidant attachment. A child with this attachment style may not seem to care if a parent or caregiver leaves them. They explore their surroundings and often ignore their parents or caregivers when they return. But deep down, they do get upset.
How to Know if You Have Avoidant Attachment Disorder
If you recognize yourself in any of the above descriptions, it’s important to get counseling. You’ll want to find a mental health professional who specializes in attachment-based therapy. They’ll be able to examine and diagnose you by asking you questions about your symptoms, childhood, and relationship history. Some things they may look for include:
- Past foster care or adoption
- Childhood abuse or trauma, especially from parents or a caregiver
- A history of depression in either or both parents, or a caregiver
- A history of depression and/or suicidal thoughts
Treating and Managing Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment can prevent healthy, fulfilling relationships between a person and their partners, family, and friends. You can make the transition from avoidant to secure attachment styles through therapy. Several different types of treatment options may be helpful.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This type of therapy works by identifying harmful thought patterns and behaviors, understanding why and when they happen, and undoing them through role-playing, problem-solving, and building self-confidence. For avoidant attachment, CBT can address avoidant thoughts and beliefs and work to build secure attachment thought patterns in their place.
Exposure therapy. It is a form of CBT that helps you address trauma-related memories and feelings. It’s particularly helpful for people whose avoidant attachment disorder is due to childhood trauma or abuse. Your therapist will work with you to relive memories, and help you face situations that bring back recollections of past trauma.
Attachment-based therapy. This is a shorter course of therapy that helps you work through childhood issues. Your therapist will talk to you about your early relationship with your parents or caregivers. They’ll help you connect the dots between these relationships and the ones you pursue in adulthood. They will also help teach you ways to improve your current relationships and handle difficult emotions. Attachment-based therapy can be done with other forms of therapy, such as CBT, to help you address avoidant attachment disorder.
Finding the right therapist is an important part of treating avoidant attachment. You should feel comfortable with your therapist and be able to rely on them. With therapy, consistency is key, even if you feel that your thoughts and behaviors quickly improve.
Medications for treating avoidant attachment style
There aren’t any medications specifically FDA-approved to treat avoidant attachment disorder. But some medications may help treat certain symptoms related to it, such as depression or anxiety. These include:
- Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as citalopram (Celexa), escitalopram (Lexapro), fluoxetine (Prozac), or sertraline (Zoloft). These are generally the standard treatment, as they are very effective, although they may have side effects including weight gain, trouble sleeping, and lowered sex drive.
- Serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) such as duloxetine (Cymbalta) or venlafaxine (Effexor). These are not as likely as the SSRIs to cause weight gain or affect sex drive, but they often cause stomach upset.
- Atypical antidepressants such as bupropion (Aplenzin, Forfivo, Wellbutrin). This drug seems to have fewer side effects.
- Serotonin modulators such as vilazodone (Viibryd) or vortioxetine (Trintellix). These can cause insomnia or stomach upset.
Can You Prevent Avoidant Attachment?
You may not be able to fully prevent avoidant attachment. Some people may be more likely to develop it, based on genetics and exposure to childhood trauma. But as a parent or caretaker, you can encourage your child to develop a secure attachment style instead of avoidant attachment by:
- Being aware of your own emotions and how you express them in front of your child. Show your emotions on your face and through body language — as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else.
- Getting enough sleep. Finding time to sleep as a parent can be difficult, but lack of sleep can make you more irritable and less able to manage your own emotions. Ask your spouse, friends, and family to help with chores and other responsibilities, so you have time to get a good night’s rest.
- Paying attention to the sounds, facial expressions, and movements your baby makes in different situations. For example, your baby’s crying may sound different when they’re hungry versus when they’re tired.
- Spend quality time with your baby. Talk to them, play peekaboo, smile at them, touch them, and show that you care and want to spend time together.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be a “perfect” parent. No single interaction will make or break your child’s attachment style. Striving to connect with your child and doing your best to be available to them will go a long way in building healthy attachment patterns.
Can You Change Your Attachment Style?
If you have avoidant attachment disorder, you can change. You may not be able to get rid of it completely, but there’s a lot you can do to alter your attitude and behavior patterns. Therapy, either alone or with your partner, can help you improve your current relationship and your attachment style.
Managing an Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships
Here are some things you can do on your own to try to break free of the avoidant attachment cycle:
- Be present for your partner. If you don’t give them your full attention when you’re with them, you’ll miss important nonverbal clues.
- Manage stress. It will reduce the chances of you flying off the handle. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing, are particularly helpful.
- Learn to read body language. If your partner says one thing, but their body indicates another, it’s a warning sign that you need better communication. Look for signs like tense or raised shoulders, or a furrowed brow.
- Seek out stable partners. About forty percent of people report that they have a secure attachment style. Look for mates who seem comfortable with emotional closeness, trust you, and are good communicators.
- Address childhood trauma. You might not think that your parents’ divorce or your caretaker’s substance abuse impacted you that much. But these sorts of situations can stick with you through adulthood. You can work through your emotions about the past with a trusted therapist.
Takeaways
Avoidant attachment is an attachment style a child may develop as a result of having an emotionally absent or overly critical parent. If you have this attachment style, you may deny the importance of certain feelings or deal with them alone. Although there’s no cure for avoidant attachment disorder, most people are able to manage symptoms and improve their relationships through talk therapy.
Avoidant Attachment FAQs
What are avoidant attachment symptoms?
Children with avoidant attachment symptoms are more likely to experience anxiety when separated from their parents or caretakers. If their avoidant attachment is due to childhood trauma or abuse, they may also be wary of their unpredictable parents or caretaker. As adults, they may have low self-esteem, fear rejection and abandonment from others, and have trouble regulating their emotions.
How to heal avoidant attachment style
Therapy can help. The most popular types are cognitive behavior therapy, exposure therapy, and attachment-based therapy.
How to fix fearful avoidant attachment
People with fearful avoidant attachment may benefit from exposure therapy, which is a form of CBT that helps you approach trauma-related memories and feelings. Your therapist will help you face situations that bring back memories of past trauma.
Does trauma cause avoidant attachment?
Childhood trauma, usually in the form of physical, mental, or sexual abuse, can cause avoidant attachment disorder.
What causes fearful avoidant attachment?
Fearful avoidant attachment is usually a result of childhood trauma. As a result, people with fearful avoidant attachment want to be in a relationship but fear it.
