What Is Attraction?
Attraction is a sense of interest, desire, or closeness you feel toward another person. While you may have heard the term “attraction” used mainly in sexual or romantic contexts, it isn’t limited to these categories.
There's no one main scientific theory about attraction between people. But in trying to describe the many ways we can experience it, people have identified several different types of attraction. For example, you might admire someone's appearance or intellect. You might take an interest in them (romantic, friendly, or otherwise) or want to connect with them in some way.
All types of attraction can vary with time and are affected by many things. As you may have experienced, sometimes it doesn’t take much for your feelings or preferences to change. This is perfectly natural.
Attraction is an individual experience and can’t be put into a one-size-fits-all box.
How Does Human Attraction Work, and Why Does it Matter?
It's important to understand how attraction works because it plays a key role in forming personal relationships. It can give you greater insight into yourself and the reasons you're drawn to certain people.
Mental health experts have identified several things that influence how likely we are to be attracted to and form relationships with others. They include:
- Proximity, which can refer either to physical nearness or how often we cross paths (online or in real life).
- Familiarity, which means knowing what to expect. This may be related to proximity, or it can refer to personal characteristics that feel familiar to us.
- Similarity, which means we gravitate toward people who have attitudes, desires, and points of views similar to our own.
- Reciprocity, which means we are more likely to like people who also like us.
What Are the Types of Attraction?
Researchers have divided attraction into three very broad types:
Physical attraction. This means you're drawn to someone's physical appearance.
Social attraction. You're attracted to someone because you enjoy their company or their social status.
Task attraction. You want to be around another person because they have qualities, knowledge, or skills that fulfill or help you in some way.
Beyond that, people have identified many more types of attraction that they feel. Some of the main ones you might hear about include:
Sexual attraction
This involves a desire to have sexual contact with others of the same or different genders. It may involve lust, which is intense feelings of sexual desire that may or may not include affection. It's possible to find someone you don't know sexually appealing, such as a model in a magazine.
You might hear about a “smush,” where you're very sexually attracted to a particular person. Think of it as the sexual version of a crush.
The term “sexuality” describes the way people express their sexual feelings. Sexual attraction helps you identify your sexuality. For example, asexuality is when you don’t feel any sexual attraction, while pansexuality means you feel sexual attraction toward multiple genders.
Sensual attraction
Sometimes also called physical attraction, this involves a desire for closeness and physical contact that's not in a sexual or romantic context. It might include hugging or cuddling.
Emotional attraction
This involves a desire for deep closeness or connection that may or may not include physical contact. Most relationships of all types involve this kind of attraction.
Some terms you might hear to describe aspects of emotional attraction and attachment include:
- Platonic, when you want to be in a nonromantic, nonsexual relationship with someone (in other words, you want to be friends).
- Alterous, when your desire for emotional closeness is neither fully romantic nor platonic.
- Squish, when you want a strong emotional but nonromantic relationship with someone. It's the nonromantic version of a crush.
- Queerplatonic, when you have strong, committed, but nonromantic relationships that go beyond friendship. They're often linked to the asexual community, but people of any sexual orientation can have them.
Romantic attraction
This type of attraction means you're interested in a romantic or love relationship with someone. It involves some combination of physical, sexual, and emotional feelings toward them. You might feel romantic attraction as soon as you meet someone, or it may develop over time. It's possible to be romantically, but not sexually, attracted to someone.
Romantic orientation is your pattern of romantic attraction, which may or may not line up with your sexual orientation. Some romantic orientations include:
- Aromantic, when you don’t have any desire for a romantic relationship (though you may want a sexual one).
- Autoromantic, when most of your romantic feelings are directed towards yourself.
- Biromantic, when you have romantic feelings for people of different genders at the same time.
- Demiromantic, when you can only have romantic feelings for someone after you've built an emotional connection with them.
- Grayromantic, when you rarely have romantic feelings.
- Heteroromantic, when you have romantic feelings toward people of the opposite gender.
- Homoromantic, when you have romantic feelings toward people of the same gender.
- Panromantic, when you have romantic feelings toward people of all genders.
- Polyromantic is when you have romantic feelings toward multiple, but not necessarily all, genders.
Aesthetic attraction
This involves feelings of admiration for a person’s appearance. This attraction type often goes along with other types of attraction in relationships. For example, you may like someone’s fashion sense and also be physically attracted to them.
But it doesn't necessarily involve any sexual desire or emotional attachment. You can be aesthetically attracted to someone you don't know, such as an actor you find good-looking or a stranger whose hair and outfit you admire.
Intellectual attraction
If you're attracted to someone intellectually, you admire the way they think. You may want to have stimulating conversations with them or tap into their knowledge about a certain topic.
How to Deal With Different Types of Attraction
Because it's so complicated, attraction can often be confusing. Having a clear understanding of your feelings is critical to making good decisions about whether to act on your attraction and how. Here are some tips on how to process your feelings of attraction:
Identify what type of attraction you're feeling. To do this, think about what aspects of the person appeal to you, whether it's their appearance, intellect, or sense of humor. Then, consider how these qualities line up with your values and with what you want in a partner or friend.
Develop self-awareness. Give yourself space and time to make peace with your preferences and what you want from a relationship. This will help you clarify your priorities, making you less likely to mislead someone else or disappoint yourself.
Establish clear goals. Simply communicating what you want increases your chances of success in any relationship. It minimizes the chances of misunderstandings or mismatched expectations.
Know your boundaries. Setting and maintaining boundaries early on can give you a sense of security in a new relationship. It also helps the other person understand your expectations.
Be prepared for change. Your desires and preferences, or those of your partner, may change over time. Be adaptable and communicate openly to avoid any emotional backlash.
Don’t follow a template. There’s no “right” way to be attracted to someone or build a relationship. Any preference that involves respecting yourself and others is valid. Only you can decide what kind of relationship you want to be involved in.
If you’re struggling to deal with your feelings or manage your relationships, don’t hesitate to seek the help of a mental health professional. Guidance might bring you clarity and improve the quality of your social interactions.
Takeaways
Attraction is a feeling of liking someone and wanting to be closer in some way. It's not necessarily sexual or even romantic. People have identified several different types of attraction, ranging from aesthetic (like how someone looks) to emotional to intellectual. Most relationships involve more than one kind of attraction.
Types of Attraction FAQs
How many types of attractions are there?
Experts don't agree on any set number of types of attraction. Researchers have divided attraction into three very broad types — physical (you're drawn to someone's appearance), social (you enjoy their company or social status, and task (you're attracted to characteristics or skills they have). But people have identified many more types of attraction that they feel.
What’s the highest level of attraction?
What makes up the highest level of attraction differs a lot from person to person. For example, an asexual person probably doesn't value sexual attraction very much. The deepest relationships involve multiple types of attraction and connection.
When is attraction too intense?
According to Psychology Today, attraction may be too intense when:
- It's immediate.
- It feels overwhelming.
- You think constantly about the other person.
This type of attraction can stem from a belief that the other person can fulfill your deep, long-term emotional needs. It's often a red flag of a potentially unhealthy relationship.
